The Big Meanie and Other Annoyances

I apologize for telling my phantom readers to do homework on a fantasy cataclysmic catastrophe sometime in the future. After considering this hopeless assignment, I realized it was, well, an asinine thing to ask. We've got plenty of real catastrophes already pending, and not at all amusing for me, or Mother Nature herself, to add another, particularly since we haven't yet began to begin our homework on those pending. What? Global warming, for one.

Mr. Al Gore just today told us to switch over from nasty dirty fossil fuel to renewable energy in just ten years. Why that's 2018, practically tomorrow, or next week, in human response time to cataclysmic catastrophes. You know what all the politicians will say? "Sure, sure. We have time for one more commission to study the situation, and we'll address the urgent matter manana, without fail."

But we know they have no intention of doing anything bold and dramatic. Can't even get people to slow down from 65 mph to 55 mph. That'd save 10 -15% on transport oil usage, I hear. Every little bit helps, but no, we got to wait until we can have a National Emergency. Only dire National Emergencies are able to get folk motivated. Nah, it ain't going to happen until this current batch of kids get organized and wage a campaign to shame their indolent parents.

I'm sorry if I got some people thinking about the unthinkable -- that we might learn sometime in the future that a giant asteroid would collide with our dear planet in 16 months. What would you do? What would I do, I ought to have asked. Well, if it's far enough in the future, I'm not going to do anything because I'll be long gone from planet Earth, and, I don't expect to have acquired posthumously any new extraordinary powers.

Now, I was hoping to have some new information to report about Mr. Pant. I haven't seen him for awhile. Since Norm told me about seeing him doing yoga exercises, I've gone to the pool and looked around to no avail. Frankly, I'm frustrated and I intend to scrub this nonsense from my cerebral cortex. Once upon a time I'd spend a little time at a watering hole to scrub my brain of uncomfortable thoughts, images, insults, funks, etc. But it's been many years since I've quit drinking and smoking (what I gained in moral stature I've lost in sophistication and wit).

As I said, I'm sorry I even bothered to ask you to do some homework. It's not only a futile request but ungebe. This is summer and nobody is going to even think about heavy matters until after Labor Day. Labor Day marks the end of playtime and the beginning of serious time. All the Persuadables and Wishywashies are going to wait until after Labor Day before they begin to consider whether to mark on their ballot A or B (or C or D) or as some cynics would say Lemon A or Lemon B. So, who am I to ask others to do homework? I have no meaningful certificate to give to you when you finish the course.

Now that I think about homework assignments, I realize that my hangup about doing The Report has it's origins in my attitude about homework in general. In my most dreadful and dreaded nightmares I would have plumb forgotten to do my homework, simply forgotten. It's one thing to have a lame excuse, but to out and out forget is, well, unforgivable. And since everybody seems to glob onto "the dog ate my homework", that one is worn out and of no use to the rest of us.

You know, I ought to send Mr. Gore a letter telling him that if he wants us to quit cold turkey our oil addiction, then he and other "do-gooders" ought to tell us how other carbon dumpers have successfully broken the habit. Certainly, they don't expect us to go back to the old ways -- I mean, you can't expect everybody to go out and buy a new (or used) horse or mule. Where will you tie up and park the horse? Will they install horse riding lanes on our interstate highways? Will they require riding licenses and put you in jail if your horse runs away and tramples people? Would we be required to carry horse insurance? And what cartel would have a monopoly on hay and oats and manure carting? They've got us coming and going, you know.

One thing I did figure out about the Big Meanie -- the first thing the smart money people will do is find out where it will likely hit and then lock up leases for the diametrically opposite part of the globe, and, you can be sure, there's money to be made from folk near the target area, don't you think?

Enjoy the warm weather while you can. And keep smiling, I remind myself.